In the 250's again! Finally!

It's official, I am into the 250's again! 259 but still, being safely out of the 270's and through the very hard 260's, and now I am heading toward my target of 250 by the end of June. I think it's doable.

Now, onto the events of last week! Busy busy and without technology. That makes the Kaveman grumpy!

Wednesday evening, we had to give an information session for Classical Conversations, as Nancy is a director. So we cleaned and cleaned, and I took the boys to scouts, watched the smaller ones, and tried to be quiet.

On Thursday, it was our 15th wedding anniversary and I took the day off. I was finally able to give Nancy something I had wanted to give her for a long time, but we didn't have the money. Not that we have the money now, either! but at least we could afford it not on credit. I replaced her engagement ring. The stone had fallen out and been lost, and it wasn't the most expensive ring in the world. She liked the ring a lot.

We didn't really spend much time together, as Nancy had a tennis match, then something in the afternoon, then there was ballet for frances and rutledge, and a softball game for frances.

Friday, I took the day off as well. Not too much happened. Nancy went over with Rut for a play date, and was gone until about 3, then we left for Westmoreland SP to camp for the weekend.

I did mention I hate camping right? I still do. It's boring. There are bugs, it gets too hot in the day and too cold at night. This is just me - I am perfectly ok with people liking to camp. I just do not. But I went and we set up the tent and made dinner and hung out with friends and that was ok.

In the middle of the night there was much shrieking. How do I know? I was AWAKE, like I am every time I camp, all night. I didn't go out to check because we had the dogs, and kids, etc in our tent and I didn't want to wake them up, but it turns out a daughter of one of the families we were camping with broke open a glow stick and it got in her eyes. Not a good start.

So I lay there that night trying to forget how much my hip hurt from it hitting the ground by about 1 am (I hate air mattresses too!) and trying to forget how much I had to pee. So I made it through till morning, without going completely insane. I got up, got the dogs peed and fed, and wandered around until I found someone making coffee and bartered a cliff bar for a cup. Good trade I think!

After breakfast, the kids and Nancy went to the beach while I read - blissful quiet. I don't think I made any allies with my decision but I didn't care. I got to read when it was quiet!

After lunch, we went to what seemed to be an interesting fossil hunting tour, where a guide took us to a beach where the cliffs were eroding, exposing fossils and shark teeth. Why do I say it seemed to be interesting? Because I got to be the dog sitter! Yes, I got to keep my dogs from attacking other dogs and get dragged around by the leash for an hour while Nancy and the kids got to dig for fossils and play on the beach! Yay!

So I went home early, and read a little longer, while keeping the dogs from being too loud. They came back and I was told to get firewood, so I did and started a fire.

That is when it started raining. A nice steady soaking rain. It wasn't hard enough to put the fire out but enough to soak all humans. The new dog, Helen, was the only smart one, who went into a tent and wouldn't come out. Well, I went into the car and sat. That wasn't too bad.

About 6:30, nancy and a friend took the minivan down to the ranger station - rain all night and maybe even thunderstorms. That was my ticket out. I packed up as much stuff as my car could hold, took the dogs and frances, and went home. I was in a nice warm bed by 11 pm. It was great!

Nancy seemed annoyed when I left, but if I counted the number of times she was annoyed at me, I could call this a small percentage of the times I did not try to appease her. I had had one night of no sleep. I wasn't interested in another, this time soaking wet. Frances sang and played bells in church on Sunday so I would have had to have left at 7 am on Sunday anyway. This was just saving me a sopping wet night in the tent.

So, I am home, and just get into a good patter at 1:30 am when who comes through the door? Nancy and the rest of the kids, who couldn't stand it either.

Sunday Frances sang in church which was very fun to watch, and I got into the most interesting discussion with my sunday school teacher, who is going over Genesis. We were talking about the Nephilim (sons of God) and how they relate in mythology to the Titans or the giants from the Epic of Gilgamesh. Interesting stuff!

After lunch at Martin's, Nancy and the kids were gone for the day, to a birthday party about half the way back to the place we camped, so I didn't see them all day.

I was waiting on a meeting all day, with my boss and boss's boss, about a project we initially didn't win, but were getting a second chance. It didn't happen until 9 pm, so Nancy was pissed that I had stayed home to take a call that didn't happen until they were home. There was no way for me to know that, though.

Sometimes I wish she could see how "inconvenient" her activities are to me a lot of the time - her information sessions, LLL meetings, dinners with friends, community group, tennis, etc. But I don't get all pissy like she does if I have to work extra for something. I just don't get it.

And so here I am today, finally into the 250's. Here's to 250 even by the end of June.

Follow up to not 44's

The pants are 42's! Not great, but better than 44.

NOT 44's! (261 lbs)

Wow, I was hoping that a weekend without the twins, and without a softball game would be slow and relaxing. Boy was I wrong.

I leave work at 4 on Friday, and start to head home, calling Nancy on the way. She has not left her friend Rebecca's yet, she has all the kids, and we need to get the boys ready for their camping trip.

So I get home and pack them with tent, sleeping bags, lantern, clothes, tarp, etc....Nancy picks up food for Walt (gluten free), and comes home but doesn't have Frances or Rut. Where are they? back at Rebecca's! She left them there to play!

Well she has a dinner with people at 5:30, and going to Rebecca's is an hour round trip. There goes a relaxing early evening - I was hoping to go out to eat with Nancy and the younger kids, or at least the younger kids, once I found out Nancy was going out. Now it looks like I have to go get them and we won't be back till close to Rut's bedtime. Sigh.

But it gets worse! We drop off the boys, and I head out to Rebecca's house. Nancy calls me and tells me "we'll" be cooking for Rebecca and her family on Saturday. Read this - I will cook for them. Nancy makes soup from a can, and often burns that. So, I now have to shop for a dinner party.

And worse. I show up at Rebecca's and she asks me - before even saying hi - "How's your back?" So, I knew I would be moving crap in her house all night. And I was. They have a huge German storage/presentation unit called a Schrank (sp?) it takes up a whole wall, and is composed of 9 separate pieces. So, the move involved disassembly, move, and reassembly. I did make it know that dinner would have to be provided somehow, because it was now 6:30 and I was getting way hungry.

So we did get to eat - Chinese takeout, which was very good. And then it was home and to bed.

I get up on Saturday and life is not too bad - making breakfast, cleaning up a little for the impending dinner party, etc. I do get a little surprise as I am thawing steaks - a brisket we had gotten when we split a cow with someone - was in the fridge thawing. "What's going on?" I ask. Nancy replies "I told Walt we could thaw it and eat it." We had a conversation specifically on the brisket - we were supposed to share it with the people we split the cow with, so now I had to call them and invite them to dinner on SUNDAY. AHHHH! I am seeing the relaxing weekend just flying away from me.

Then we go to counseling. It was good. I really like our counselor. I am not sure if she can save us, but she's at least listening and not making any judgements on either of us. Yet.

And we go shopping, first for lunch (salad bar at Martins - yummy), then for groceries (also at Martins). I am planning this dinner party for 8 - 4 adults, 4 kids. We get foods we think everyone will enjoy, including ingredients for a Quinoa salad, which I have never made, but I go ahead and get it going.

So we come home - I begin cleaning/cooking to make sure all is done by the party, which is supposed to start about 5. It's about 3 now.

About 4:30, Rebecca calls and says "David (her 5 year old) is sleeping and we don't want to wake him up as he is feeling under the weather and foul" - ok so we will have a foul 5 year old in our house. Neat. But we have dealt with grouchy 5 year olds before. We are not scared.

However - here is where things get scary - she mentions, nonchalantly - "Oh, did Erica (or Emily or whateverher name is) call you about coming tonight?" WTF? "Nancy?" I ask..."Who is this other person and why didn't you tell me you invited them too?" To which I was somehow in the wrong. I got yelled at while I am still on the phone with rebecca who assures me that if we hadn't heard, they won't be coming .

15 minutes later, I get a call from this other person. "We're coming" she says. 15 minutes until party planned start - we have the planned on people still at their home (30 mins away remember) and 4 more people now coming. I have food planned for 8. now we have 50% more people. Nice.

I rush out to the freezer and find two more rib eyes and ground beef to express thaw in the microwave. Microwave thawing is the worst kind, as the meat never tastes just right - plus the other steaks had been marinating all day and these would, well, not be.

We had 8 baked potato halves prepared. 12 people. Loaves and Fishes, Loaves and Fishes....I cut them into thirds...they were now appetizers. I added more to the fruit salad and green salad. The quinoa salad would have to do.

So people show up finally. Dinner goes pretty well - one steak was a mess of gristle, but I had made a backup sirloin, which while not cooked to the desired rarity of the guest's palate, it was ok. She ate it just fine.

Nancy did come through with some brownies and we put ice cream on them. But now it was close to 9, kids were breaking down, and I had had enough of the day, so I went from gentle hints to things closer to "it's time for you guys to leave. now." I put Rut in his pajamas, even, while people were still there. I was getting ready to take him up to bed when the last people left.

So, off to bed, then I have to get up early on Sunday, because I play in the church praise band. I had a lot of trouble sleeping. My wife is avoiding the children's minister because the minister has asked her to volunteer. She has said no, but this woman keeps asking. So I don't even know if Nancy is going to show up. I like the kids to come to church when I am playing, so they get an understanding of what it means to volunteer one's time. Nancy does show, and church goes ok. But I have to ferry Nancy from church to sunday school so she isn't met alone by the children's minister. My wife is 38, not 8. Just a reminder. And she's afraid of the children's minister.

So then we have to go pick up the boys from camping - the drop off is down at the community gym. They are soaked and dirty from a weekend of night thunderstorms in a leaky tent (we threw it out - they will need a new one for their next trip. It was 15 years old and had been taped and seam sealed so many times - it's time for another tent.

It turns out that not all the gear made it to the drop off point. Some of it is at someone's house. So we go to get it, and take the kayak over to the community storage t-racks, and I am given the oars. I bring them home, and find out the fish tank is low on water, so I have to go to the fish store. Fine. I go to the fish store. I go to Martins again, to gear up for the next dinner party of the weekend. I have to get ingredients for this brisket marinade, and more food.

I come home, and it's almost time to get frances from choir. So I bring in the groceries and pick her up. they are 20 mins late. I come back home, and start to work on dinner.

I have a release meeting from 4-6. It's basically just all hands on deck, ready to support if something goes wrong during deployment. So, it means I am home bound. I warn Nancy of this, but she decides to go out at 4 anyway to go drop off things at goodwill. I am busy cooking and I don't notice, but it gets to be 5:15 and while I told her she would have to take the boys to youth group at 5, since I was already doing two things - making dinner and checking in on the release.

She had forgotten obviously, and went to costco instead. So she comes and gets them, late, to youth group.

The guests for this dinner party show up at 6, and the dinner goes off very well. I was really happy with the way this one turned out - the brisket could have stood to be a little more tender, but other than that - the company was good and the meal was a success.

And, to top it off, after a weekend of red meat, chinese food, ice cream and brownies, I had not gained any weight!

Even a better topper to the weekend happened this morning. I go to look in my drawer and poof - no business pants. I have never been a husband to expect Nancy to wash my clothes and have them ready for me, which is what my mom always did for my dad. Even though Nancy does not work outside the home, I don't necessarily think it's her job alone to wash clothes for 6 people. Nevertheless, it was frustrating to see no dress business clothes. I am in a panic because Mondays are tight - I have an early meeting every Monday. So, in a hopeful moment, I reach for a pair of pants that Nancy has hung up on the far side of the closet - ones she never thinks I will fit in again. I grab a pair of blue cotton pants, and omg - they fit! they fit! They're a tad tight, but not so much that I can't breathe or my boys down below are in any danger. This is awesome! I am so proud of myself. Being stuck in a plateau is frustrating, and after this weekend of eat eat eat, I thought it would be hard to get back on track, but when I fit in these pants, I was given a new hope in this weight loss journey. I wanted to go right to the gym (impossible with today's schedule, but I still wanted to), and to macy's or the gap to get a whole new wardrobe.

Don't get me wrong - these are 40's or 42's, but they're NOT 44's! NOT 44's!

NOT 44's!

New Carpet, High Stess

So the carpet guys came this morning - exciting! Our 25 year old, dog stained, kid stained carpet is going away!

They came at 8, which meant I had to wake everyone up, including my wife, and shoo them from the upstairs. After that was accomplished, we let the guys in, and I told them - "whatever is left that you are not allowed to move, let ME know and I will move it." I then went downstairs to work. That is how I am home today - I am working from home. Which means I am working. From home. No day off.

So anyway - I think I got the point across that I was working from home. I am downstairs working when Nancy comes down, fuming at me, that I am not helping. Apparently they asked her, and not me, to move some stuff, and instead of coming to get me, she read into this that I was shirking my duties. Frustration builds.

Even though I should be working, I help with math. It is fun working with the kids on math - the boys are doing algebra, and frances is multiplication, so it's an exciting time math wise for them.

I didn't weigh in this morning and that's probably healthy - I should not weigh in every day. But I didn't get on the scale before the carpet guys tore our house apart, so I can't get back upstairs. I am guessing 261 again, as I went from not planning to eat dinner, to eating mexican food. I ordered nachos and ate about half the plate. They were so good! But it didn't help weight loss any. My guess off the top of my head is I ate about 2000 calories yesterday. So, maintenance for a normal person, and perhaps weight loss for someone my size.....

The day was pretty busy yesterday - with walking the dogs to work to Frannie's show for acting class, to the dinner with friends, to boy scouts, and then to some last second cleaning and painting - we painting - I got to bed about 11:45, and was up at 5. 8 hours sleep? as if.

Busy day and night (261)

Well I seem to have hit a plateau. I am going to have to up my exercise it seems. I know it has only been a few days, but we are only a week from my 15th wedding anniversary and it was a goal to have dropped 20 lbs by then. I have 3 to go. It's doable if I can break through this wall.

Not much else to say. Yesterday was busy. Got up, walked the dogs, went to work, came home and worked some more (monitoring a release), then made dinner and had to go to band practice. I am having fun with the band, but I wish sound checks didn't take an hour.

Not much else to say.

Paint paint paint (261 lbs)

Yesterday was another busy day. Get up, walk the dogs, do a little work, then go into work, and work work work. I managed to avoid my many colleagues long enough to have lunch with an old friend, Andy.

Andy is - well I can't call him a fellow triathlete, as he's like, Mr Triathlete, competing in several each year, while my goal is to make one each year, and finish. He's short and very fit, and often finishes in the top 20 overall. He doesn't brag though, so he's way cool to hang out with.

We hadn't caught up in over 3 months, so we had a lot of news to share. It was really great talking to him. I am going to have to make a point to talk to him more often.

After lunch it was back to the grind. A project that I did not work on, but tried to help after it was delivered, and looked terrible (suggestions of stylesheets and templates to give every screen the same look and feel). However, the foundations were still a mess. Even though I brought this up, what I suggested didn't seem to get implemented, so I think my boss somehow blames me for this. There was a meeting scheduled late in the day that I thought he was going to attend with the offending developer, as he is delivery manager and this was, well, not a good delivery. However, he invited me, then ducked out and didn't plan on attending the meeting. Luckily the meeting was moved, and I got out in reasonable time to....

Get home.
Check email really quickly to make sure a response I was waiting on had not arrived (it had not)
Cleaned upstairs a little more
Brought things down
Drove to pick up Frances from ballet
came home
made dinner
ate dinner
picked up walt from trumpet
got home
changed clothes
painted until after 9
got rut to bed
learned more about iphone programming
read
slept

And now it's time to do it again!

Nancy was complaining that there was no time to travel this summer. I am disappointed too, but how could she not realize that sending the kids to camp, swim team and dive team, and enrolling them into a new homeschool thing, while volunteering to manage the dive team and teach in the homeschool thing....could allow us any time to travel. There are holes we dig ourselves into, and sometimes we can't get out very easily. This is one of those holes. I really want to be understanding and caring and think she walks on water and can do no wrong and blah blah blah but...when she says these things, it's all I can do to hold my tongue. I managed to last night. I said there were always weekends for travel, and changed the subject as fast as I could.

Busy weekend (261.6 lbs)

I am gonna say 262, by rounding up. But not bad! It was a very busy weekend, and busy weekends have been really hard on my in the past. To end up down on the whole - that is a victory!

Friday was pretty laid back - it's the kind of evening I long for. Nancy, Walt, Frannie, Rut, and me took a nice walk - about 5 miles - with the dogs. Rut even kept up, for the most part. He didn't whine, but he said just these two things: "Mommy, my legs just can't move any more" and "Daddy, let's not do this again". I told him I was very proud of him.

Then we went to petsmart, where I realized too late I was being bait and switched by nancy. We went for a no pull collar - 25 dollars, and left with 220 dollars and an 8 week commitment to training. Oh well. I guess all days can't really be perfect.

Saturday was so busy. It started early with dog stuff, then more moving crap from upstairs to down, then our first counseling session. Nancy liked Phyllis, our counselor, which is a relief. Our problem with counseling has always been that we look like this happy go lucky married couple when we're in these sessions. We joke around, and finish each other's stories, etc. We were able to voice a few of our issues, but not all of them. In the end Phyllis did answer the biggest question, and the answer, while not as awful as I expected, was still disappointing.

Phyllis "are you in love with the other person".
Me: "Yes"
Nancy: "I am not sure."

She did put on her wedding ring again. I have not brought it up. Part of me is happy and relieved. The other part is wondering what is her weapon of choice next time? I am not at a healthy place at all - I know that.

So then we move on - drop the older boys off at a birthday party and head off for lunch (Nancy gets blood sugar swings when she has not eaten well, and everyone must bow to her needs until she is satisfied). We got food at Martin's and headed off to softball to arrive just in time - and be like, the first people on our team there. Frances' team is coached by two families who would be late for their own funerals, and apparently the rest of the team has taken to follow their lead. We got enough people for a team finally and they played in a dust bowl - there were times when the wind blew up, I couldn't see anyone in the infield for the dirt and dust.

After that, it was home, then I went out with frances and rut in tow, to pick up the boys from the party, and we shopped for a Mothers day present for Nancy. We finally decided on a massage from the gym, and flowers, which I promised Frannie I would pick up on Sunday so they would be most fresh.

We came home, I helped with more things - loading the car with stuff for goodwill, moving things from upstairs to down, and we took the stuff to goodwill. Afterward, we went to a fundraising silent auction for our church's youth group. Our kids aren't going this year - we chose boy scout camp over this, this year. But we did pick up babysitting, a reading buddy for frances, handyman work from the youth minister, and a teeth whitening for Nancy. We got into a funny bidding war with someone for the handyman work. We really will need it if we want to move at any point.

So it ended on an expensive but fun note.

Sunday - I got up at 6 and went to wal mart, to get flowers and a gluten free cake mix for nancy. I got home and started the cake, set up the presents, and tried to relax a little on the computer. But Nancy was up early, wanting to go to early service. We got everyone up, presented the gifts...the cake got done in just the nick of time so we could pull it out and have it waiting when we got back.

Sunday School is like, my dream class. The book of Genesis taught by a fellow layman, who's not a "Spiritual Farm Boy" as my mom likes to call fundies. Charles is very smart, well read, amazingly tactful, and willing to examine any questions we have. I of course, brought up - why two versions of the creation? Why does God even need to have a tree of wisdom? Does he need to eat from it to be wise? If not, why does it even exist? Fun, fun stuff, and we didn't even make it past chapter three. I find myself eagerly waiting on next week's class - something I haven't EVER experienced before. The Old Testament is something I have always been interested in, so starting from the beginning is perfect for me. Of course we have our farm boys who won't open their minds "The Bible is the Holy Word of God! I don't care if it makes no sense!" but Charles is brilliant at making sure he isn't offending those people, while informing us.

Out of Sunday School and off to lunch. We tried a new Japanese restaurant, which everyone seemed to like. Walt like sushi...well all but the raw fish part. So he pulled out his tuna from his tuna rolls, but ate all else. Nancy liked it too, so we may have a date place. It's close - plus! It's mid-priced - plus! It has gluten free items - plus! A big hit.

So we get home, and I cut the grass. Front and back . We don't have a huge yard, but cutting the grass always kills my allergies and I end up coughing, sneezing, and puffy. So I come back to the house and help nancy carry things down. Afterward, I try to rest just a little - maybe 15 mins. That sends Nancy into a fit and she comes down complaining about how she's doing everything. Fine. I head off to Lowes to get paint (remember painting? YAY!) So, I get paint, some supplies, etc, and come home. I open the can and paint the whole long hall into Frannie's room alone. Fine with me. I still have to do some edge work, but it's 90% done. nancy and Ollie took off these silly age inappropriate butterflies from his room. That's fine - I didn't want to do that at all, so painting - not so bad. I then painted the molding all the way down the stairs. Complaining seemed to end, for the most part.

I tool the boys to youth group, came home - moved some more stuff, made dinner (steaks on the grill and a microwave ready cheese, potato and broccoli mix - which was yummmmmm). We ate, then I cleaned up a bit from dinner, and was able to sit down a bit. Maybe ten minutes. Then I had to pick up the boys, and drop off a check for the preschool teacher, which nancy had forgotten to take all last week. (Each time I say these things, I know it sounds like I am complaining - which I am I know but not for the reasons you may think. I complain because I am told over and over again that I do nothing - I am a good for nothing oaf who never helps around the house or with the family). I got the boys and we came home.

When we got home, I was completely honest about my needs. I needed, for my own personal growth, to begin to learn Objective C and XCode - AKA iPhone/iPad programming. With my job in jeopardy, I want to move into a new and exciting field, or at least not be completely ignorant to it. So, with a number of distractions and grumbling from Nancy, I set up a bed for Rutledge on the couch, and sat on the sofa and wrote my first application. It did nothing but I felt good about becoming familiar with the IDE.

I came upstairs and Nancy and the boys were watching tv - she was probably pissed at me for not reading to them. She reads to them every night, but her voice has been messed up from a cold. She didn't say anything but I am sure I will hear about it. I am willing to take that hit, because it wasn't like I was surfing baseball scores - I was doing professional development.

And that brings us to today. I am happy with weight loss, still unhappy with my marriage situation. I am doing things that I don't want to do - but have to - like painting - without complaint. My complaints are with my wife's approach to my helping. If it isn't all done on her schedule (NOW NOW NOW) then it isn't right.

I will be accompanying my family camping not next week, but the one following, and the one after that. Camping is another of the things I do not like to do. Dirty cooking, dirty sleeping, dirty bodies is no way to go through life IMHO. I love to hike. I like to bike (I wish I liked it better). But when I sleep, eat, and dress, I like to be clean. However, I am looking forward to spending time with the kids, and who knows, maybe even Nancy. That depends on how she brings herself to the event. I am determined not to complain.

OHHHHH - oh my god I almost forgot! On Friday I went out to lunch with a customer at the place I work. He has been divorced twice, but only once with child support/alimony. He is paying $2000 a month for two kids! I make 8 k a month, and that's gross income - where they calculate child support and alimony! Once all stuff is removed off the top, I take home less than 6 k. If, because I have 4 kids and a wife who doesn't work - I would have to pay say, 4 k a month, it would leave me like, 24,000 a year to live on. I don't have too many needs, but shouldn't it be wrong to live like a taco bell cashier because your wife doesn't love you any more? Nancy - who went farther in school than I did, has never felt any desire to work. I have never insisted that she not work - I often encouraged her to. However, she insisted on home schooling, and staying home. I supported her decision. And because I supported it, it seems as though I would be punished for it in court or mediation. After working my butt off to get to nearly a 6 figure salary, I would be living like a college student in a crappy apartment. No wonder men experience much more depression and health issues after a divorce. According to my wife, I am a failure for not making over 100k a year yet. Imagine how crappy I would look to someone if I were bringing home a whopping 24k a year! Hello chastity.

Friday finally (263 lbs)

It's been a long, hard week. I am a little unnerved about the weekend, as it is going to be super busy, but it will be better than being at work, I suppose.

This weekend we have our first marriage counseling session in about a year, and with a new counselor. The last one, we stopped going to, because Nancy thought he was defending me and making her look like the villain. I am not sure if she would feel better if she felt I was more the villain, or that we both needed to work on our issues, or what. I guess that is why we really need a counselor.

I found a woman counselor, who is close. That helps with child issues, as we can leave the older ones to babysit the younger ones without any concern, as we could be home in a matter of minutes. I am hoping the fact that it's a woman, that Nancy will bond more with her. I honestly don't care if she decides to villainize me, as long as we can get to some of the root issues that are affecting our relationship. I have been more honest lately, because I really have nothing left to lose. I have brought up my core problems with our relationship as I see them, and why I have retreated to surfing the web, or whatever it is I do, rather than spend time with her. She doesn't understand that the approach to handling a problem and the problem's solution are two different things, and while I have enjoyed the outcome, the approach left me hurt and used and angry, and that has never been addressed because I was hesitant to bring up the issue. So, maybe a counselor could help. We're so distant now, it couldn't hurt. I am at the point now, that if I experienced a location-changing event, I wouldn't know if a: my family would move with me, or b: I would want her to come with me. Of course I would welcome and want my kids to come, but I have to be realistic about what happens in a separation.

Weight loss is going so well! I am down 15 lbs now, from 278 to 263. However, I have 13 lbs to go to even reach the weight I was for the triathlon last October. I really let myself go this past winter. I never want to do that again.

The pill I am on really crushes my apetitite. My son had to finish a turkey burger I ordered at Johnny Rockets on Wednesday. I haven't left things on my plate in 25 years! My family growing up was really big into the clean plate club - so even if it was more food than you wanted, you had to finish it. I don't like to blame anyone but myself for my eating issues, but I can definitely see where I started to go wrong, and where I revert back to when I am stressed, or lazy.

But back to the pill. I always sneeze when I get full. It has always been a sign for me to stop eating. Unfortunately, I think it has historically kicked in late, after I am satiated. Yesterday, I ate half a normal sized turkey sandwich, and was sneezing before I could start the second half. I saved that half for a snack and ate it in the mid afternoon. So - I am not sure if it's a version of a placebo effect (I am such a cynic) or it's really working, but I am getting my full signals earlier. The sneeze response is involuntary, so I treat it as a better indicator that I am not just lying to myself that I am full.

I am discovering that a number of people - mostly women - who write blogs here use some kind of shot to lose weight. I am not sure what this is - I would be interested in looking into that - like if it works on men, what the side effects are, etc.

Morning 2 of NOT walking my dogs. I woke up with a near migraine that is still affecting me. It's an excuse, I know. But I really couldn't enjoy the walk.

We are nearly done preparing for the carpet install next week. Nancy wants to paint a bunch of rooms before that happens, so it looks like a week of my very favorite activity - painting. I have decided that I am going to keep my mouth completely shut about how little I like it, because, well, if Nancy does it without my help, it will further drive a barrier between us. And the more cooperative I am, the faster it will get done.

Sick (264.6 lbs)

I am sick - this came on really fast I had a sore throat a couple of days ago but in just a day's time it was all in my chest, and I was achy and felt mildly feverish. Of course this put my wife on edge, because I even mentioned it. I think she thought I was trying to get out of helping clear out our upstairs to prepare for new carpet.

This is very frustrating to me. I raked leaves and bagged them into these huge heavy bags and dragged them to the community cleanup dropoff point this past fall - with a severely sprained/broken ankle. We're talking my ankle was nearly the size of my calf, it was so swollen. If anything, when I am really sick, I try to do more to help, because I feel guilty for being sick.

So, instead of resting and trying to get my chest clear, I
worked from home so she could play tennis and go out with her friends
graded the boys' math
took Frances to acting class
took the kids out for lunch because they had done well on their math
picked up Rutledge, which she originally had planned to do but took a longer lunch
came home, took a tough conference call where I was grilled on my work (no problems - but it was a hard meeting)
Helped Nancy take things downstairs from up
got water for the fish from the fish store
picked up frances from ballet
got dinner from martins
set up for dinner
took the boys to boy scouts, with rut and frannie in the car to take them to the pool, so nancy could go to a meeting
came home to help Nancy, who had lost paperwork she had promised to someone, so nancy could go to a meeting
found replacement paperwork, on the web, and printed it
delivered paperwork to the promised person so nancy could go to a meeting
took frances and rut to the pool
picked up walt and ollie because nancy was at a meeting
brought dogs in and into their crates and to bed
came home and got rut to bed
helped carry things downstairs
put the dogs back into their crates, because they had been let out and not put back

However, I am sure it wasn't up to expectations. I truly am nealry ready to give up.

Good things of the day - lost weight. spent some quality time with the kids

More ok things - I got back my bloodwork from the doctor and while some things are a little higher than they ideally should be, nothing is totally off the charts scary. A funny thing - I am vitamin D deficient, which is something Walt was diagnosed with. It seems like the latest scare from the medical community. Nevertheless, I am taking a 5000 IU vitamin D supplement. Maybe it will help with losing weight. And, being fat supposedly sucks vitamin D out of your system. So, whatever. I will take it. What is the worst that will happen? At least I won't get rickets.

Second day blog (266 lbs)

Yesterday was a good day. At noon, I left work and went down the the RAL (Richmond Animal League), because our adoption of Helen, a 2-3 year old black lab mix, was complete. She really is a great dog - she has just the right amount of energy for our family - and she is very smart and very obedient. Plus, she likes Bilbo, our 2 1/2 year old lump of a beagle . She had him out playing in the yard yesterday - something I don't think he has ever done.

So, we got home, and got her accustomed to the house. The kids took her on at least 3 walks in the early afternoon that I know of, before the afternoon activities begain - flute, ballet, trumpet, shopping for stuff for Helen so she would feel at home, then a cookout for dinner.

Nancy has done a great job so far in reclaiming our porch. We sat out there last night and ate. It was nice having the family together.

I am on a pretty serious diet and try to avoid a big dinner, so I ate carrots and a veggie medley, but when Rut left a bite or two of his burger, I had to eat a little. It was SO GOOD.

This morning I woke up at 5, and after a little play on the computer, took the dogs for a nice walk. Helen pulls a little too much for a 69 lb dog, but not so bad that I was dragged all over. The one thing we do need is a tandem leash, that holds both dogs together on one leash. They tended to drift around, one pulling this way, the other pulling that, and it hurt my pace on the walk.

Other than that, good day.

Ok two posts in 1 day

Wow! I read my blog posts from early last year. It's depressing - I was fighting the same things last year - and weighed less back then!

Well ok. I suppose there is only one thing to do - make sure that next year, I can look back at this point at being the lowest point in my life, in many ways, and that next May, I can look at myself and be proud of what I have done.

There I go planning ahead again. I just said I wouldn't be doing that. Ok - tomorrow I will post about what I ate and drank today, physical activity, and any other interesting bits. One day at a time.

I am very excited to be getting a new member of our household this afternoon - Jamie aka Helen of Troy - a rescue dog. We're getting the last of our background checks at noon - checking on our cat's shots, to make sure they are up to date. Helen is a lab mix and is very sweet, and loves playing with Bilbo, our lump of a beagle. We are hoping that Helen will invigorate Bilbo into action. I am hoping she will go running with me too. With my ankle still healing, and my weight still so high, I will not be able to run too fast or too far, but I am hoping she'll motivate me.

I had been getting very interested in having another child, once we get settled in our new location. I am not sure where I will end up, but I am hoping it's somewhere in SW VA. However, with some doubts about my personal situation, another child may not be in the cards. I am trying not to mourn over someone not yet born, but still. If not another pregnancy, I was hoping to adopt. We'll see.

It sure has been a while (266 lbs)

It sure has been a long time since I last posted. So many things have happened - hardly any of them good.

One very good and satisfying event happened in my life this past year. I completed my first triathlon in October, as a 38th birthday present to myself. There has never been anything I have been more proud of - as a personal accomplishment - in my life. I finished just behind my business partner and best friend, but we both finished behind a guy who was 77!

I did finish, though - which was HUGE. It was my first open water swim - which really made me nervous. I had to choke down panic a number of times to finish the swim. It made me feel better that at least ten guys called it quits in the first 250 meters of the swim. I didn't feel good for them, but I did feel good that I wasn't the only one who realized that Lake Anna is NOT the AMFAM or Woodlake pool. It's cold, and it's dark and it's really deep, and you are swimming 250 meters at a time, before you can call an accomplishment, like touching the buouy. It's not 25 yards, tap the wall, 25 yards, tap the wall....

I got out of the water and waited on my friend Satish - we had agreed to check in at each stage to see if we wanted to call it quits. I waited for him for 7 minutes, which did cut into my time, but I did need the break, and I was honestly concerned that Satish had to be pulled out by the rescue kayaks. But no - he made it and we decided to do the ride.

We kept on together for about 1/3 of the ride, but we got to a hill I couldn't manage (Satish and I were the only riders on mountain bikes - all others had road bikes), and Satish pulled ahead.

In the bike, I actually had the trailing official catch up with me, and while it was initially embarrassing, it was motivating, as he was listening to the radio pretty loud. That kept me going.

As I was pulling into the final stage - the run - I saw Satish running out of the gate, so I realized I could not quit, even though I really wanted to. I nearly fell off my bike, and started the trudge onward. I could barely move - my quads were so cramped, I could not walk straight. It was all I could do was keep moving forward so I wouldn't fall down.

One thing I discovered, though, was that everyone was so supportive and encouraging. Other competitors were shouting positive comments, which also really kept me going. I was scared of these tight bodies with their amazing equipment, but everyone was very nice.

One disappointing note - my wife and children did not come to the race. Even though I had signed up in April, so it was not a surprise or last second plan, my wife had planned a camping trip that weekend. And so, my children - who my wife complains never see me do anything but lie on the couch - were not able to see me complete the most important physical fitness goal of my life.

And that was the best thing that has happened to me this year. Let's go with the stuff that isn't so great. I'll just enumerate, as there are so many.

1: in November, I was walking down the stairs, and fell, breaking my ankle for the first time, although I wouldn't be officially diagnosed until later....
2: because of my ankle, I was not able to train, and my momentum from the triathlon was broken and....
3: I was put on a project that involved a lot of work in a short amount of time - while it paid a lot, it also meant frequently working 80+ hour weeks, even one week at 103 hours. This left me unable to work out much as well which resulted in...
4: I ballooned up to 278 lbs - the fattest I have ever been.
5: In January, I fell crossing Hull Street, and injured my same ankle. I went to the Ortho On Call and was diagnoses with a severe high ankle sprain and fracture - my tendons torn off the bone, stripping the bone off my tibia.
6: I had to go through weeks of physical therapy, which, while not too painful (think - a $30 spa treatment) but was very time consuming.
7: I was removed from my role as manager of the Manufacturing team, which while I didn't enjoy it, it was stable. I was given a role as lead for a short term project - 5 months.
8: My company lost a major contract opportunity this week - while it doesn't put my job immediately at risk, I am pressuring myself to move on.
9: Our dog of almost 17 years had to be put down - he had cancer and was losing weight, and started throwing up internal things that I will not mention here. We got to hold him as he fell asleep for the last time.
10: I realized my wife of nearly 15 years is no longer wearing our wedding ring. My heart has never been so broken. I am completely clueless as to what to do now. Do I even want to save this, or move on and try to be happy withut my family? I am not sure how I can, without my children.

I am coming to a realization that I want to be happy in the moment, and need to stop worrying about the future. I need to enjoy moments with my children - teaching them things, reading to them, spending time with them, and I need to stop worrying about work, or retirement, or anything like that. That will all fall into place, and is only the means to have money for things that will keep other things at bay (mortgage, food, etc) and are not the be all and end all of my existence. Mid life crisis? maybe.

I went to two doctors I have been putting off for a long time. I went to a dermatologist, who removed ugly growths on my shoulders, back, eyes, and cheek. While very painful, it will make me feel better about taking off my shirt - even though I am fat, at least I just look fat, and not fat and with ugly growths on me.

The other doctor I went to was a family doctor, to have a physical - and while I have not yet received the results of the blood tests, the doctor told me what I knew already - I don't have high blood pressure, but it's not low either and needs to be watched, and I am TOO FAT. Surprised? neither was I. However, I got the doctor to prescribe me phenedrine, which is one of the ingredience in phen-fen or fen-phen or whatever. It's making we a little wiggy, but it's doing an amazing job of keeping my appetite at bay - I get full so fast now.

While I am mildly excited to have recently lost 12 lbs, I know that this is a minor victory only, as I had never even gone as high as 270 lbs before this past winter, and am only just below that now. My first major goal is 250 lbs. Even that isn't very special, as I was 250 as recently as the triathlon. Oh well, a bunch of small victories can result in a larger victory, I hope.

That was my year in a nutshell. One thing to be very proud of, and many things I need to work on, or would like to forget.